Griff, what's with all the stampeding women?
Well, either Enoch the janitor's dancing bottomless again...
...or Babcock Shoes is having another sale.
I don't get it.
I've been working in the same mall with Babcock for 20 years.
What does his shoe store have that this one doesn't?
- Do you have any black pumps? - Nope, never carry them.
Then I'm going to Babcock's.
Why does Floyd's business do better?
You know, Griff, I think it's location.
I doubt it. Babcock's is between World of Carbuncles...
...and House of Floss.
Well, whatever it is, just once I'd like to beat him.
Griff, I'm gonna have to do something crafty.
Maybe you could slip him a stick of dynamite...
...cleverly disguised as a Cuban cigar.
You idiot. Where am I gonna get a Cuban cigar?
Griff, is it me or is there the smell of Old Spice and bacon in the air?
- Hello, Babcock. - Bundy, glad you're here.
Though, if you weren't, sales might improve.
It's so busy at my store...
...that my son here, Little Floyd, can't study.
If you're looking for peace and quiet, don't take him home...
...where the Chicago Bulls are practicing lay-ups with your wife.
An adultery joke. You see, Bundy...
...that doesn't work on a guy with two beautiful mistresses.
- You didn't hear that. - Yes, Dad.
Come on, Babcock. You didn't bring your boy...
Who suspiciously looks like Dennis Rodman.
- You didn't bring him down here just to study.
You're right. This is more of a life lesson.
You see, my son, Little Floyd, and your son, Little Nobody...
...are in the same Entrepreneurial Studies class at Trumaine.
And we both have to come up with a product and a marketing campaign.
And you brought Little Dweeb- o here to the mall...
...to see how real businesses work?
Yes, and to your store to see how they don't work.
So you see, son, when you create your marketing product...
...what are you not going to do?
Don't worry, Bundy, you'll beat me at something someday, maybe.
Just kidding.
Your wife's uglier than my wife.
- Oh, good one, Al. - That's it.
If I can't beat Babcock in business, I'll beat him where it hurts.
In the nads?
Close. His son.
Great. I'll keep the car running...
...while you hit that little guy with a bag of oranges.
That's what they expect me to do.
No. I'll get my revenge...
...when Bud beats Little Floyd in his marketing project.
Bud's product, whatever it is...
...will be pure genius.
And now, the Bundy hands-free page- turner.
This is what you're planning on marketing?
I don't know why I let you put yourself through college.
Son, don't you understand? This project is very important?
I didn't know you cared so much about my education.
Well, I don't.
This is about me and Floyd Babcock.
See, I've never been able to beat him in business.
Yeah, so order some nice shoes and have a sale.
Why would I work that hard when I have you?
See, Bud, his son and you are in the same class.
Now, all you have to do is get a higher grade than him on this project...
...and I'll have my revenge.
See, this is exactly why I didn't play Little League.
No, son, you didn't play Little League, because you threw like a girl.
What sells in the '90s...
...is the same thing that has sold since the beginning of time.
- What, shoes? - Well, sure, of course.
That's why we're living here in the lap of luxury.
Bud, I'm talking about sex.
So, what, you want me to become a pimp?
No, you'd have to be able to protect your girls for that.
Well, what then, Dad?
Why do I have to think of everything? You're supposed to be the smart one.
- Hello. - Hi, A/.
- Peg? - Yeah, it's me.
I'm just on my way out to find Dad.
Well, when did you leave?
Yesterday.
Well, no wonder the sex was good last night.
Oh, but don't worry, Al, I'll be home just as soon as I find Dad.
And believe me, I am leaving no stone unturned.
- Where are you? - Well, I just left Tiffany's.
You wouldn't believe how big some of their stones are.
You ought to see some of mine.
I just felt a big one leave my kidneys and head for my urinary tract.
Now, look, Peg...
...don't go using this trip as an excuse to spend all my money.
Al, I am trying to save my parents' marriage.
This is not about you and your stupid money.
Now, look, I gotta go. I'll call you later.
- That was Mom? - Yeah.
Yeah, she left us.
- Mom's gone? - Yeah.
- Was it something I did? - I don't know.
Maybe.
But, look, Bud, the important thing...
...is that you come up with a good idea for this project.
One that'll beat Little Floyd. Son, you're my last chance.
My children are my only hope.
Hey, you guys.
My new calendar came in.
The Buns of "USC."
Looks like it's just down to you, son.
Oh, my God, look at these buns.
Oh, I knew I should have gone to "USC."
Kelly, I think you just "imbeciled" onto a great idea.
What, sending me to "USC"?
No. Making a calendar like this for Trumaine.
You wanna make a calendar of men's butts?
No. I'm talking about doing a calendar of the girls of Trumaine.
See, all I'll need is a camera and 12 beautiful women.
Well, let's see.
You have your Lieutenant Uhura doll.
Barbie.
Isis.
Strawberry Shortcake.
Oh, and that little pink sock you put on your hand and call Missy.
Yeah, go ahead and scoff now, Kel.
But if I put out a casting call and say I'm making movies for HBO...
...beautiful women will come.
Oh, yes, they will come.
Oh, cool.
Page- turner for my calendar.
That... That was great.
- That was the best shoot of the day. - Thanks, bud.
I was a little nervous about doing this...
...because, well, all my friends say you're a perverted horndog.
- But you're really not. - Oh, well, thanks.
By the way, did you drop your contact lens on the floor there?
I thought I saw your...
Hey, Bud.
Move, you're blocking my shot.
It's okay, Jefferson.
I've got her covered from here.
Oh, man.
Hold it right there.
Well, I believe that we now have photographed...
...the back of every shoebox in Chicago.
Just as we intended...
...for that coffee- table book of shoebox backs.
Well, to the Fotomat.
Run.
What is it? Al, I'm trying to run a business.
But you wouldn't know anything about that.
Yeah, like I wouldn't know about you trying on women's shoes after closing.
You didn't hear that.
Babcock, I just brought you here to show my genius son...
...and what his class project is.
It's the calendar of the girls of Trumaine. She's Miss November.
It's not bad, Bundy, but I'm sure my son can top that.
- What's your project Little Floyd? - Okay.
I've invented a printer...
...that is simultaneously compatible with both IBMs and Macintoshes.
It'll revolutionize the computer industry.
You win, Bundy.
How dare you take my name, Little Floyd?
From this moment forth, I shall refer to you only as Little.
That's funny, that's how Mom refers to you.
You didn't hear that.
Damned if I didn't.
Hey, I just remembered something. I don't wear contact lenses.
I'll see you in Astrophysics tomorrow, Bud.
I'll be right behind you.
You guys think she's great?
I've got Crystal Clark to be on the cover of my calendar.
- You got Crystal Clark? - Who's Crystal Clark?
Right here.
Al, I've got an idea.
Divorce our wives...
...and move to Saudi Arabia so we can marry Crystal?
No.
Yes.
But first, I propose we talk to a publisher friend of mine.
We can take this calendar national, make ourselves a fortune.
- But we still marry Crystal? - Oh, sure, sure.
Well, how much are you willing to invest?
Ten thou.
Great. I'll throw in 10 too.
So we'll have $20,000.
No, we'll have $10,010.
Oh, it was my son Bud's idea. I want half.
Forget it. Look, Bundy, I'm taking all the risk.
I mean, what if this is a touched- up picture?
- Hi, Crystal. - Hi, Bud.
Well, I'm touched.
And I'm up. Let's go fax this to the publisher.
So are you ready for your photo shoot?
Sure. Who were those two drooling geezers with Little Floyd?
Those... Those were our fathers.
That was Big Floyd and Big Void.
Crystal, remember how I said this was gonna be a class project?
Well, I've got great news. We are going national.
This is gonna be sold coast-to-coast and all you can say is, "Oh"?
I can also say I'm sorry, Bud, I can't pose for your calendar anymore.
What do you mean she doesn't wanna do it?
Don't you know how much money I've got riding on this calendar?
- Oh, yeah, I know. You had $10, Dad. - That's beside the point.
Don't you realize how many hundreds of thousands of dollars...
...that $10 was going to earn?
You were gonna share how much of that money with me?
Again we deviate from the point.
Look, Dad, I got her to come over. I'll talk her into it, okay?
You better, or I'm cutting you out of the will.
Wait a minute, that's no punishment.
I'm putting you in the will.
You'll owe millions.
Hi, Dad.
Kelly, I don't get it.
Why would Crystal not wanna be in a national calendar?
I mean, if someone asked me to pose in Speedos, I'd do it.
Gee, Bud, thanks for the visual.
Kelly, please help me. Crystal's gonna be here any second.
I have no idea how I'm gonna convince her to be in my calendar.
Well, why don't you try being sincere?
What, you mean like completely honest?
That goes against everything I stand for.
That'd almost be like talking to a guy.
Well, that's exactly how she'll feel. Anyway, I'm gonna go upstairs...
...and finish reading my calendar of the Buns of "UCLA."
- Hey, Bud. You wanted to see me? - Yeah, Crystal.
I wanted to be sincere with you about this calendar and what it means to me.
Okay.
Crystal...
...I don't talk about my brother much.
But, well, Judd and I...
...we were born Siamese twins.
We shared everything. Well, we had to.
And then came that awful day when we had to go our separate ways.
I went to school...
...and Judd went into a Mason jar.
We don't expect him to live very long.
I mean, he's not much more than an eye and a foot and some hair.
But you see, I made him this solemn promise...
...that I would make him a calendar...
...of the best damn good-looking girls at Trumaine.
So, Crystal, if you can't do this for me...
...just do it for that little lost boy in the Mason jar.
What do you say?
Okay.
The truth is, I really need you to pose for this calendar...
...because without you, it's nothing.
I'm sorry, Bud. I just can't pose for a national calendar.
I mean, what if my parents saw me?
Yeah, but it's not like you're gonna be nude or anything.
- Well, what would I be wearing? - This.
- That? - Yeah, yeah, it's a large.
I'm sorry, Bud, I just can't. You don't understand.
Oh, Crystal, please, please.
Look, you've got nothing to be ashamed of.
I mean, you got a great body.
And don't worry about what your parents think.
Parents love their children no matter what they do.
Damn you, Kelly!
You ate my last Hershey's Kiss!
- You're in the will! - No, Dad, no!
Crystal, please.
You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
And I'm not just talking on the outside.
I mean, you should be proud of who you are.
You know, maybe doing this calendar isn't such a bad idea after all.
I'll let my parents know I've finally become a woman.
Thank you, Bud.
You don't know how much this means to me.
And you don't know how much that meant to me.
Yes.
Oh, man.
Is Crystal wearing really, really short cutoff jeans...
...or does she just have stonewashed skin?
It doesn't matter.
Hey, Floyd, next time, let's do the 12 Months of Crystal calendar.
All Crystal, all the time.
I think I can dig up about 5 bucks.
Dad, guess what.
I got an A-plus on my project.
I knew you wouldn't let me down, son.
- How'd you do, Little Floyd? - I got an A.
Come on over here, son.
Not you.
Our son, mine and Al's.
Hey, guess what. There's more great news.
Crystal's going on Chicago Live to publicize the calendar.
Floyd, can you say:
Oh, I'm telling you, Dads...
...she is so hot, I think I'm gonna ask her out tonight.
You can marry her with me and Floyd for all I care.
As long as she keeps making these calendars, she's family.
Hey. Hey, guys, be quiet. Chicago Live is on.
Now, Crysta/, what made you decide to do a ca/endar /ik e this?
A wonderful man named Bud Bundy.
With his kind words, he convinced me that I have nothing to be ashamed of.
And he's quite the kisser.
Yes! Everyone knows I kissed her. I am a god.
Now, Crysta/...
... you said there's something you wanted to te// the wor/d...
.../ive on our show.
She's gonna propose to me.
I do.
Yes.
It's time for my family and the rest of the world...
...to see the person I've become.
Bud Bundy has made me proud to be a woman...
... who was born a man.